The times when I have been most vulnerable to depression recently have been after giving birth. Having made it past the initial few months after Wonder Girl’s birth feeling pretty stable and happy, I thought I had escaped the dreaded depression this time. I have blogged in the past about my experiences with Cyclothymia here.
However unfortunately this was not to be. I’m gutted on many levels. Firstly, I feel like I’ve failed my own imaginary test; Can Ella have a baby without getting depression? Answer: Apparently not!
Secondly, I have failed my family. The people I love the most in the whole purple-furry-world. Without being arrogant, I am the one in my family with masses of get up and go. I inspire holidays, days out, parties etc. I also run the day to day stuff, like coordinating everyone’s commitments and making sure they all happen. On top of that I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I say all this not to boast (my husband works long hours running his own business to make all this possible) more, that if I go under its hard for my family to operate. Queue the guilt.
So, it has been proposed that I take antidepressants. On paper this seems like a sensible idea. I am depressed therefore anti depressants seem an obvious solution. Strange then that I find myself resistant to taking them. Exploring why, I came up with the following reasons.
First up, I don’t even like taking paracetamol for a head ache. I don’t like putting toxic things in my body, at all. My antidepressants come with a side effects warning sheet that would put the Cookie Monster off cookies should they come with the same. Also I’m breast-feeding at the moment, and though the Dr. assures me these are fine for breast-feeding, it doubles the anxiety I feel about putting this stuff in my body.
Next, I am not depressed(!). Contrary to my Dr.’s opinion what I am suffering from is definitely a case of being a useless human being and worse mother. I am constantly questioning the diagnosis and wondering if am I just making excuses for my moody behavior. Ergo antidepressants will not help.
On top of all that I am massively embarrassed about all this. I blog about it, to help other people who might not be able to put into words how it feels. Underneath this bravado I am ashamed. I don’t want the world to view me as an unstable person. I don’t want to be judged by this. If I take the antidepressants I am admitting that I am this person, who cannot cope without them.
So I open it up to you, my readers. What would you do in my position ? Am I alone in feeling this way about my depression ? I’d love to hear your views.
It’s got to be your decision. At the end of the day if you don’t want the anti-depressants, they won’t work. You’re not a useless human being, or mother, you’re fabulous, you’re just looking through the wrong end of the telescope at the moment.
I don’t want to hijack your blog with my unqualified witterings, but you can only do what’s right for you. But listen to your family, they know you, and can see clearer than you (and your doctor).
Love & cakes.
Thanks , love the analogy , definatly the wrong end of the telescope.
Firstly, you should feel neither ashamed nor embarrassed. Depression is an illness like any other, I have heard that it is like a chemical imbalance in the brain or body, and sometimes medication is the only way that this can be put right. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or any less of a person because you have had to rely on a medicine to put you right.
If you feel that you can fight this without resorting to medication, then go for it. I, like you, would rather not put chemicals into my body if they are not necessary. I tend to prefer a good long chat with a friend, or several long chats, over a drink to try and get thoughts out of my head. I sometimes have to write down what I am feeling, like when my Mom died, if the thoughts were on a piece of paper then they were no longer swimming round in my head tormenting me. Slowly, over time, this really helped.
(I once went to the Doctor to discuss how I was feeling when I had problems at work that were really getting me down. The Doctor immediately, firmly, ruled out anti depressants because I was breastfeeding, I wonder why your Doctor has said its ok?? Go with your own instincts on this one, if you prefer not to because you are breastfeeding, then that is the right decision for you).
Hope you feel better soon xx
Possibly because my dr is a phychiatrist and more specialised ? She informs me that these anti depressants are the ones used for breastfeeding mothers. Thanks for your comments.
Ella, you are so far from being a useless human being and worse mother it’s untrue. On the contrary, you are a fantastic person in every sense. If you were a bad mother you wouldn’t have 3 wonderful, happy, healthy, bright, lively children with great individualities. Just look at them and you know that deep down it’s true. You are doing such a wonderful job with them.
You are also a wonderful wife, no-one would doubt that. Yes your family does rely on you, but if you weren’t up to it you wouldn’t have been doing it so well for the last however many years.
You’re a fantastic friend. At the end of the day, I’ve always felt that I could pick up the phone or e-mail you for advice, support, a good old moan etc.
So, should you take the tablets? I don’t know. I’m not you and who am I to say? I have no personal experience with them at all though very close family members have been in this situation and experienced similar thoughts and worries and doubts. What I do know is that you shouldn’t feel bad about it if you decide to go down the route, why should you? We all need a hand sometimes and this ‘hand’ can take all shapes and forms. Why struggle if you don’t need to? The amount of thought, worry and concern that you’re having about this issue is surely just further proof of what a fab mother and wife and therefore person you are, thinking about the needs of everyone else first. Make your choice, be content with it and your family and friends will be there for you. It’s probably not a lot of help but I wanted to show my support. xx
Thanks for your support and for saying such nice things about me.
If it were me I would take the drugs but at the same time bring into play some strategies that might help : sad light therepy? you time away from your massive commitments like a swim and hot tub. things to look forward to and so on.
I don’t fully understand the part about you feel you are not depressed. what do you mean? what has made the doctor feel you are?
Please don’t feel ashamed. no one ( outside your family) will know if you take something to help you. No one that cares for you would care.
We are all a bit unstable.. well i know I am 🙂 as the song goes.. whatever gets you through the night.. its alright.. its alright.
Another random thought you are just back from a fun sunny holiday could it be post holiday blues/ s.a.d?
This is not the best time of year. maybe you need to let go of the reigns a little. let go of some guilt.
x
Love those lyrics , what song is that ? Thanks for your comment.
Whenever I am depressed, I think it’s not depression but that I really am just a crap human being. When I am not depressed I still question whether I was depressed. But the fact is, antidepressants help me. They really do. I hate taking them for the same reasons you do but if they work, then the depression must be real. I know you know this but it takes strength to admit weakness.
Thanks for sharing, knowing someone else I consider pretty cool is on them sometimes really helps.
Having never suffered with the same feelings as you I findit hard to answer your questions, as I have no expereience to knw what’s the best solution. You shouldn’t be ashamed though Ella at least you are facing your demons head on and discussing them. I can understand the guilt you feel about your family – and having to leave them.
I think you have to do what YOU feel is right and not worry once you has made your mnd up if that was the right decision or ot, as you will always be worrying.
That’s probably not helped but am sending you hugs because you are so lovely xx
Thanks for responding anyway. You are such a lovely lady and you always say the nicest things, I hope we get to chat in real life properly at some point.
Apologies for the typos – was typing whilst using my phone!
I hope we get to talk in real life soon too xx
I have just started taking antidepressants. After writing a post recently on 9 years worth of bottled up depressive bouts, I was supported and encouraged by my partner to go to the doc. After blood tests to rule out anything physical and discussing how I feel etc the doc said I could either see how it goes, but tgat I would probably go further down, or I could take anti depressants to help restore the chemical balance. For me I had already decided what I would do if I was offered them- take them! But that’s because I made tge decision based on me and my family. I can’t say if they are working, I’ve been on them 3 days and the side effects are kicking in but I have been told they will ease after 1-2 weeks and I’ll feel better in 2-4 weeks so we will see how it goes!! One thing I will say tho is the reason I put off seeing my gp for almost 9 years is because I didn’t think I was depressed, just being moody, exactly as you describe! Xx
I’m glad to hear you have made a positive step towards feeling better. I hope that it works out for you. Thanks for sharing.
Oh Ella. The guilt, the shame, the distorted self-image – this isn’t you speaking, it is the black dog of depression.
You ARE a wonderful, energetic, enthusiastic, live-wire of a Mother and partner.
You are also occasionally someone who suffers and needs some help. Someone who perhaps has terribly high standards for herself and who is maybe pushing and driving herself at a pace her mind is beginning to baulk at.
It is ok to rest and slow down sometimes. It is fine to be vulnerable. To be human.
I continue to struggle with the thoughts you are torturing yourself with. I will not take a paracetamol either. But I have tried St Johns Wort. I have also taken 5HTP. Both “natural” remedies. They do work. Eventually. I just couldn’t wait this time round. So, I have taken the feared a-ds. And to my surprise I haven’t become a counterfeit me (in fact they have still. to work!) – I am simply me. Imperfect, occasionally wobbly me.
Have a read through some of the official sites. The Royal Society of Psychiatrists produce several useful intelligent info-sheets for instance.
And do not dwell on side-effects. You will be one of the vast many for whom the pills will work – and with no discernible adverse effects. Honest.
Thanks your right I do have really high standards in all aspects of my life. More food for thought, thanks.
I wouldn’t touch the antidepressants. I’ve head of too many people getting stuck on them for life and I’m not sure they really work anyway. Try looking at herbal stuff instead. I remember St Johns Wort as being good.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I am concerned with your advice Clare as it indicates a real lack of insight and failure to understand what depression actually is.
A-Ds are not for everyone. But the SSRIs are in simple terms synthetic St Johns Wort – and they are safe. They are not addictive – they are not like the older style tranquilisers which sedated our Mothers and Grannies. And for some they can be a life-saver. I do not use that descriptor flippantly.
Depression is serious and with serious consequences.
Anything which prevents the needless deaths of sufferers is to be welcomed.
Firstly, sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad. 🙁 I totally understand the shame you feel too, I felt the same way recently. It’s not logical is it?! I think only you can make the decision about the antidepressants, it’s such a tough one. Can your GP refer you for any counselling at all? Regardless of if you end up taking the antidepressants, it could really help to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. Hope you start feeling better soon.
I totally agree about talking, definatly really useful in combatting depression. Thanks for your comment.
Sorry you are feeling bad. I only have one thing to say – you have NOTHING TO FEEL ASHAMED about. NOTHING. What ever decision you make will be the right decision. So many women go through hell after the birth of their baby. You are not alone. And it does not mean you are unstable. You are totally stable through being able to acknowldge your experiences. Go well.
Thanks for your support. I really appreciate the nice things you said.