It is five days until Christmas and I am still in hospital struggling with depression. I have been here for over a month now. I had expected to be here for a weekend.
It’s eight thirty and Wonder Girl is sleeping in her cot, I’m listening to the ward wake up. Lying on my hospital bed I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself.
Christmas is usually my favourite time of year. Being part elf and a big fan of all things glittery it is the season for me. My children are at home now and school is broken up. I am tormenting myself with all the crafts and outings I would normally have planned for this time of year. It breaks my heart that I am (probably the depression talking now) ruining Christmas.
I am going home for visits and overnight stays and all being well will be at home for Christmas. My fear at the moment is whether that’s in everyone’s best interests. I went home to put up the Christmas tree last weekend and wasn’t in a good place. I put on a brave face (and some Christmas music) and tried to have fun for the boys. The breaking of my eldest’s precious first Christmas decoration (with his name and date on) broke my heart. My son cheering me up with “don’t worry mom we can buy another” broke it even more.
I have resisted blogging just how hard it is at the moment. Today I needed to offload, and writing for me is so cathartic.
I saw my doctor yesterday and they have decided to increase my antidepressant. I am getting as much rest as possible, preserving my energy so I can get on my festive mojo for my family at the weekend. So here’s hoping, come Christmas eve I’ll be feeling the joy as I play Santa and eat mince pies.
Sorry to hear that things are still a bit glum… I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Christmas will be enjoyable and fun for you 🙂
Thanks, the support of the blogging community has been really helpful.
Don’t worry, you are not ruining Xmas.
How truly awful for you – that must be so so hard to deal with. Hope the medication does what it’s supposed to and brings you back to the place you deserve to be. xx
I am so sorry. What a nightmare for you.
Looking on the positive side, you will be home for Christmas. even if you only take part in family life for hour intervals then retreat to your bed thats fine too. it does not have to be all or nothing ( I did that when my brother died. sometimes I would come downstairs and end up laying on the sofa facing away saying pretend I am not here before having to retreat again but I tried and the next trip down I did better.)
Once you get the medication sorted you can keep at it for as long as you need to so you don’t end up in this situation again.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first for the better good of everyone.
Thinking of you and sending you happiness bubbles x
Thanks, and good suggestion, think I will be taking regular breaks. Happy Christmas to you.
Sorry I haven’t stopped by, I usually see you pop up on my twitter feed and came over to see how you are doing?
My heart is sinking for you, at the same time that is no good for anyone.
Getting lots of rest is all going to help, though I am hoping you are getting the chance for fresh air and a bit of greenery too 🙂 I wish I could send you the feeling of being at the beach here, the sea always makes me feel happier and more relaxed. Though really it’s getting those ‘meds’ right which is dam frustrating but your get there Mrs x Time and all that x
Sending lots of purple love and glitter.
Thanks Ali , I would love to walk on a beach right now would be so good for me. Thanks for the purple glitter and support. You could always subscribe 😉