1.It will take you an hour to get ready to leave the house, if it already took an hour pre-children it will now take you two. Once you have made all the necessary preparations (fed the baby, packed the bag, wrestled the toddler into coat and shoes) the baby will do an almighty poop. This will be no ordinary poop and will require a complete change of clothes as it has seeped up the baby’s back. You will be late!

2. Never wear black when you have a child under the age of four. It shows baby sick, snot, paint, food that has been spat at you, up to perfection. In fact it is unlikely you will leave the house in a completely clean outfit for some time.

3.When you step on Lego , or playmobile’s tiny tiny pieces it hurts. Furthermore the piece the child wants will always be the one you just accidentally hoovered up.

4.With regards Lego, siblings eat it.

5.The remote control/mobile phone is better than any baby toy you could ever buy. Yes this includes ‘toy’ mobile phones, nice try mum but baby can tell.

6.Your baby will find channels with the remote control (they finally got their snotty little paws on) that you didn’t know existed. They will be unsuitable viewing.

7. Nothing green will ever be eaten by a child under five without bribery or sedation. With the exception of green smarties.

8. If you wear a necklace and pick up a child under the age of two, you will regret it.

9. If you are under two the bath is a brilliant place to poop. Warm relaxing, what better conditions could you ask for.

10.Children are at their absolute cutest and adorable when they are asleep. You will stare at their clean, quiet, relaxed faces and realise that it is all worthwhile.

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