A couple of weeks ago I hit a milestone I was not thrilled to hit. This admission to the mother and baby unit has become the longest of my three admissions. Then things got a little worse when the two women who had been admitted alongside me in November got discharged. I do understand that their illness and length of recovery is irrelevant to mine, but I was jealous. They get to restart their lives and I’m still stuck in limbo, feeling rotten.
I have had a few false starts. A couple of days when I felt good, possibly a little too good, but it beat the long slow grind of depression. Then I fell down a whole load of sad and I think I hit the bottom. I spent a week feeling really really bad. Staring into space bad. Not able to face the day bad.
Alongside the low was the obligatory guilt. My children are without a functioning mum, my husband needs his wife back. Thinking about all the suffering in the world and here’s silly old me sitting on my bum feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I have done something wrong in my life and I deserve this. The mind says horrible things when your horribly depressed.
So the wise old docs have decided that it’s time to increase the fat pill. Double the dose and see if it can stabilise my mood. I feel like a toxic experiment. Stick in some pills that do stuff to my brain chemistry and see which ones make the colours come back. It all feels like total guesswork, rather scarily I think that it pretty much is.
I also have a rather unusual plan for making the sad go away. I’m going to bake, and bake and then bake some more. After that if I’m still sad at least my husband and children will have cake to help them through. Flour and sugar, eggs and marg, all topped with glitter and butterfly’s. Perhaps this is what my startled head needs right now.
So I cross my fingers, swallow pills and mix dough and hope that I’ll come back to you soon with some better news. I haven’t posted on this topic for a couple of weeks not wanting to disappoint anyone with my lack of hopeful recovery story. I will recover but what I think I’m understanding now is that it will happen when it happens. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.