A couple of weeks ago I hit a milestone I was not thrilled to hit. This admission to the mother and baby unit has become the longest of my three admissions. Then things got a little worse when the two women who had been admitted alongside me in November got discharged. I do understand that their illness and length of recovery is irrelevant to mine, but I was jealous. They get to restart their lives and I’m still stuck in limbo, feeling rotten.
I have had a few false starts. A couple of days when I felt good, possibly a little too good, but it beat the long slow grind of depression. Then I fell down a whole load of sad and I think I hit the bottom. I spent a week feeling really really bad. Staring into space bad. Not able to face the day bad.
Alongside the low was the obligatory guilt. My children are without a functioning mum, my husband needs his wife back. Thinking about all the suffering in the world and here’s silly old me sitting on my bum feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I have done something wrong in my life and I deserve this. The mind says horrible things when your horribly depressed.
So the wise old docs have decided that it’s time to increase the fat pill. Double the dose and see if it can stabilise my mood. I feel like a toxic experiment. Stick in some pills that do stuff to my brain chemistry and see which ones make the colours come back. It all feels like total guesswork, rather scarily I think that it pretty much is.
I also have a rather unusual plan for making the sad go away. I’m going to bake, and bake and then bake some more. After that if I’m still sad at least my husband and children will have cake to help them through. Flour and sugar, eggs and marg, all topped with glitter and butterfly’s. Perhaps this is what my startled head needs right now.
So I cross my fingers, swallow pills and mix dough and hope that I’ll come back to you soon with some better news. I haven’t posted on this topic for a couple of weeks not wanting to disappoint anyone with my lack of hopeful recovery story. I will recover but what I think I’m understanding now is that it will happen when it happens. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.
Well, the #swmums bake off is on now. Get your baking books out 🙂 x
Ok , I have a women’s weekly baking book , it’s on !
{HUGS} Keep putting one foot in front of the other – and baking! If your husband and children get fed up of cake then we’ll eat it!
Thanks , don’t think I can make too much cake , mud cakes today.
awww Ella lovely purple Ella. i am so sorry to hear that you are having s downer at the mo after such a positive time at the weekend. but i guess thats the problem with depression theres no predictability. baking is a great plan – maybe you could aim towards writing a recipe book or make cakes to sell at your local cafe or market? something to aim for. i would love to do those things myself (hugs) and i hope things soon pick up for you xx
Yes that would be a great idea, perhaps we could write one together ? Like a south west mums gurt lush baking book ?
OMG what a cool idea, I’d love to right a baking book with all you ladies. How much fun would that be??? x
It would be really fun and reasonably doable with all hands on board.
Maybe the baking will help to give you a focus, to stop your mind from wondering and beating yourself up. Your children do need a mum and your husband does need his wife, but they need a well and happy mum and wife. This can’t happen until you are happy and well. Focus on yourself, get yourself well first. Then everyone else will follow.
Brilliant read and I’ll hand you some vermicelli if you want.
Thanks and I know your right. Baking is a brilliant distraction until I feel a little better.
Purple mum! you are doing a great job as I can see. You can bake and you have a lot of humor. I think it´s a great idea to bake you through the “bad times”. One cake or bread at the time. Here comes a recepie of “Dorset Fair Gingerbreads” that makes succes in Sweden. It will give you 30 cakes/steps;
3 oz butter, softened
3 oz soft brown sugar
4 tablespoons golden syrup, warmed
6 oz plain flour
1 level teaspoon baking powder
1 level teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 rounded teaspoon ground ginger
Set the oven to 400 or mark 6. Cream together the butter and sugar in a bowl and add the golden syrup, flour and all other dry ingredients, Mix well to form a fim dough. Roll out on a lightly floured surface, cut out and form into about 30 small balls and place 4 inches apart on greased baking sheets, cook for about 10 minuts until golden brown. Cool slightly before transferring to a wire rack.
Good luck! mormorann
Thanks so much, I will bake that soon and blog it if that’s ok.
Ofcourse you can share the cockies on the blogg. The recepie is from a small book I got from Pam, Richies mother. It´s called “Favourite Dorset recipes”. Hope you enjoy them!
I would realy like to have a bakery or most of all a café. It would be grate to do the baking-therapi, all day long. Look at happy faces when they are having a brake with a cup of coffe or tea. Please tell me if you need a partner…..I be there!
mormorann
Yes let’s
Yes let’s start the Bristol cake therapy cafe. Cake and therapy and edible glitter !
I think baking is a fantastic idea Ella and a really positve descision too.
Your house is going to smell delicious, baking is such a comforting smell.You have made me think I should bakes some cakes now xxx
Big hugs xxxxxx
Hope you did bake , I made some cakes and it did actually help a little , my brain that is not my waistline.
I bake too, partly because I love cakes and partly because I find it therapeutic. Hope it works for you, be kind on yourself x
Thanks, I will.