Today marks a full week of being home from the hospital. I have coped, more than that, I have done brilliantly. I know it’s not very British to big yourself up but I am proud of what I have achieved this week. I have been efficient, calm, and in control. The odd thing about this is these words are not words I would use to describe me even when I’m totally well. I look in the mirror and I’m not sure who I am at the moment.
Mainly I would put this version of myself down to the mood stabilising medication I have been prescribed. I take it religiously every day, I’ve been so unwell I cannot risk a relapse. However I’m not sure I entirely like this new improved version of myself to be honest.
I feel flat, numb, bored and boring. I wonder if this is how it feels to be ‘normal’ . I cope with stress brilliantly , I am able to get perspective on situations and manage marvellously. But (and it’s a big but) I am not funny, I am not interesting, I am not interested and I have nothing to say. Perhaps this is good for those around me. I am an easier person to be around I think, I am certainly more consistent for the children.
So I think this is the ‘me’ I have to live with for now, as I have to do what’s best for my family. Please forgive me if you see me and I have nothing to say, hopefully I will find my personality in all this calm at some point soon.