Today marks a full week of being home from the hospital. I have coped, more than that, I have done brilliantly. I know it’s not very British to big yourself up but I am proud of what I have achieved this week. I have been efficient, calm, and in control. The odd thing about this is these words are not words I would use to describe me even when I’m totally well. I look in the mirror and I’m not sure who I am at the moment.
Mainly I would put this version of myself down to the mood stabilising medication I have been prescribed. I take it religiously every day, I’ve been so unwell I cannot risk a relapse. However I’m not sure I entirely like this new improved version of myself to be honest.
I feel flat, numb, bored and boring. I wonder if this is how it feels to be ‘normal’ . I cope with stress brilliantly , I am able to get perspective on situations and manage marvellously. But (and it’s a big but) I am not funny, I am not interesting, I am not interested and I have nothing to say. Perhaps this is good for those around me. I am an easier person to be around I think, I am certainly more consistent for the children.
So I think this is the ‘me’ I have to live with for now, as I have to do what’s best for my family. Please forgive me if you see me and I have nothing to say, hopefully I will find my personality in all this calm at some point soon.
Ella, you have managed to big yourself up (you go girl!) and put yourself down again all in one go.
Your friends and, most importantly, your family will not think you are boring, uninteresting and un-funny (is that a word??). They will just be overwhelmingly glad to have you home, on the mend and back with your family where you belong.
Happy one week anniversary.
Keep up the good work!
xx
woaaah!! give yourself a break Ella you are doing well and it will take time not adjust and settle back into a more ‘normal’ way of life. i bet you are as funny its just that maybe you are more aware of everything you do now.
i am gutted not to be seeing you monday but hopefully soon xx
well done and keep it up x
What ever normal is Ella, you should be mighty proud to be feeling better and getting to the place you want to be.
I mean I would say it was quite normal to sometimes think your hugely funny and other day’s think your as boring as whatever is boring really. I think we all do that don’t we?
Take care xxxxx
How strange life can be when I see you totaly different than you do. Boring…. NO WAY! I realy enjoy reading your blogg and the last days more than ever. There is a great flow in your text and I just love it. As I want you to get out to the world and share with new and old friends, I will give you the recipe for swedish jam. (But I don´t belive this is the way to become a good mother. As you already are.)
Just take 1 kg of berrys (like strawberry or blueberry)
Boil for about 5 minuts with
1 dl of wather (not with blouberrys),
1.5 kg of sugar and
1 tsp of citric acid.
Let the jam cool of and add 2-3 tsp fruit “pektin” (in swedish)
Put the jam in jars and go out and meet the world.
Love
I wouldn’t have even known that you were feeling like that, I think you had lots to say and I think you are lovely x
Thanks everyone for such lovely comments. Sorry for the lack of replies recently, I’ve just not been feeling so chatty. Anyway you are all right (obviously) and thanks for reminding me to keep focussing on the positive.
Ella, you could not be boring even if you tried.