I’ve mentioned here that when I was younger I had big ambitions. I grew up wanting to become the next Madonna, or the star of a west end musical. Sure I dreamed about being adored by men and proposed to, but I never dreamed about marriage and children.
In fact as a young adult I lived up to my ambition of escaping the ‘ordinary’. I studied dance, then circus and my husband and I worked as a circus artists together for six years. While,I supposed, everyone else headed for the office, I donned lycra and hung from a trapeze. I felt on the edge of society. An anarchist living outside of the system, making my dream come true.
When I decided to have children I met a family of puppeteers. They took their children on the road with them, breastfed with one hand and operated puppets with the other. That will be me, I decided. My children would watch adoringly from backstage whilst we performed, we would continue living the dream.
What I hadn’t considered was this. I have a mental health problem, one which I manage brilliantly. I keep my stress levels as low as possible, I have a routine to my days. I do not cope well with stress. In fact, taking off the rose coloured glasses, when I worked as a circus artist I was actually pretty stressed a lot of the time.
I found the uncertainty a challenge. The competitiveness made me paranoid and insecure. There were times when I longed for a regular life. Well, as they say, you should be careful what you wish for.
This new ‘me’ didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t wake up one morning to a house full of children, not a sequin in sight. First I gave up work, the long hours and travelling were not suited to conventional childcare. I took my eldest along to a few gigs but it proved impractical not to mention unprofessional. So I stopped working.
Next we decided it would be best if Dave (my husband) retrained. Working in the circus meant working evenings, weekends, and school holidays, he would never see the children. So he retrained to be an electrician.
So now he is an electrician, I am an
aspiring writer stay at home mum. Our family has grown and we have three children.
This is the first bank holiday weekend that we have spend as a whole family (when Dave was a circus artist he was always working) and it has been bliss. Today we hung out at home , I hoovered my car, and we watched a family film. Examining the day and my family it occurred to me that my life is perfectly mundane. I feel fulfilled, whole, and mostly happy.
I realised that my happiness does not hinge on who I become, or how cool whatever I do is. My happiness comes from the people in my life and the love we share. As I look at my lovely family I realise I love them, and they love me. Who could want anything more.
Wow that is an amazing life that you had before children, how exciting bit amazing that you have come to realise that you are happy with the life you have now. Our goals and what makes us happy changes as we grow older and having a family is such an amazing experience. That is a lovely post I really enjoyed it x
It makes me very glad to know you’ve had a perfectly mundane and fulfilling weekend. May you have many more 🙂
Thanks Fran 🙂
That’s a fantastic post Ella, really enjoyed it 🙂
What interesting pasts you and your husband have, amazing!
Thanks , and once again congrats on the birth of your baby.
i am so pleased you enjoyed your ‘mundane’ weekend. your life has been filled with some amazing moments but i think now you are juggling with the best moments yet and i am glad you are managing it all ok. i love your style of writing too xx
That post gave me goose bumps, I totally love it xxx
I can so see you in the circus and a lovely past to look back at and even better future ahead of you 🙂
Mundane isn’t so bad is it??!!!
Loved Jenny’s comment of juggling with the best moments yet.
Enjoy your Bank Holiday Monday together xxxxx
Thanks , no mundane is really rather brilliant. Hope you have a good bank holiday Monday too.
Aww what a lovely post!
I hope you’re having a lovely Easter Monday too
ThankÂ´s Ella! You made my day with your words!
Aw thanks Anne.
This is such a lovely post.
Mundane is brilliant sometimes.
Heres to lots more mundane weekends x
Thanks, here’s to mundanity all round !
Lovely post 🙂 nothing has fulfilled (exhausted, overwhelmed) me as much as raising my family full time. When they are a little older you will be able to find yourself more again too, I am working on that now myself 🙂
Thanks Fay, I feel like this blog is helping me find me again already.
I think it sounds like you met challenges head on and were incredibly practical and determined to make the life you wanted. Head screwed on very well indeed, I would say – and it must take a special person to be involved in the circus, and to enjoy the life you have now.
This is a very lovely post and I totally agree with you. As you may have picked up already (!) I have a fairly competitive nature, and it’s very easy to get caught up in trying to be the best, and to have the most ‘interesting’ life. Quite often when I’m doing seemingly dull things like tidying up, and feeling satisfied, I feel anxious, as though to be a proper fun person I should be tossing the j-cloth aside and dashing off to a rave or to protest about something in my underwear. Quite often I have to make a real effort to remember that I don’t need to do that. This post is a valuable reminder, so thank you 🙂