It has been two months since I left hospital following my admission for post natal depression. Whilst it’s brilliant to be back at home with my family, it hasn’t been an entirely easy transition. Initially I felt at sea, having become a little institutionalised by the hospital routines. There is also a lot more to do at home with cooking, cleaning and caring for my other children. It took some effort, but little by little I have eased back into my life.
Then there is my mood. Being discharged was by no means the end of my illness, simply a point at which I could manage it at home. I have had the cliche ‘good days and bad days’ and it has been hard to know which head I would have screwed on each day. I realised my medication was making me extremely dopey in the mornings, fine in a hospital environment not so good with the school run to do. I have slowly decreased the dose, and am able to wake up without first literally peeling open my eyes.
Last week I realised I have been surviving, rather than enjoying my children for the duration of this episode. It occurred to me that instead of bustling round cleaning and cooking I could take some time to play with them. I put on some music and we danced, and we laughed, and I remembered the mum I used to be, before the storm hit. That was a good day.
Easter weekend was lovely, my family was together and we were normal again, I love our version of normal. We went to the cinema, the beach, and chilled out at home together, such a contrast from christmas. There have been times of real joy, of appreciating what I have, not what I don’t have. Times of looking at my little family and thinking that all the pain was worthwhile if that’s what I had to endure to get to this, my wonderful children and husband.
Recovery from depression is a journey, one in which little by little you learn to trust yourself again. I am on that road building up speed and sometimes, on good days, enjoying the view.
Beautiful post. I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer this but I’m glad for you that there are good days and crazy dancing! I’ve also been suffering with depression in varying degrees over the last year and I have found reading other peoples experiences a huge source of strength. Only wish that such illnesses did not exsist! x
I agree, sorry you have been struggling too, thanks for your comment.
Stop making me cry
I’m glad your starting to feel better hunnie. I had no idea you were suffering from PND. I have never experienced this so really can’t comment but I will say stay strong, keep smiling, dance like no one is watching with the kids! And remember your a beautiful mum inside and out and your kids and husband adore you xxx
Isn’t it lovely when the good days start to really kick in 🙂
It is lovely , thanks.
Really glad to hear that your recovery is going well.Sounds like you had a wonderful weekend. The photo of your family is lovely. Great post. Honest and beautifully spoken words.
Sorry to hear you’ve been suffering, a lovely honest post Ella, wishing more good days for you all xx
Every time you post about PND and your recovery I think how brave and strong you are. You write about your experiences beautifully, it’s hard not to cry either with sadness that you are having a bad patch or joy because you are doing better. I really hope that the good days keeping winning over the bad days for you. Have you seen http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ ?
Ahhh I am so pleased that things are getting better. I think the thing with depression is that it’s always there waiting to spring up but it gets easier to deal with. It’s a bastard though! x
Beautiful post, glad to see you are on the road to recovery x