I have an ongoing battle with my brain regarding my body image. For many years I wore lycra for a living, and spent a fair amount of time training in front of full length mirrors. Whilst I loved my work I didn’t love the vanity involved in certain aspects of it. In fact once I was told by an agent that he “likes girls who have ribs and hipbones showing”. After ascertaining that he was in fact not joking I tried not to look too disgusted as I needed the work.

Five years on and I have let go of the extreme dieting that kept me looking as skinny as a ten year old. I realise that it wasn’t a good look, and the obsession with food was making me miserable. I literally couldn’t eat anything without knowing its calorie content and ensuring it would be burned off in my next workout, God I was dull to eat out with !

What I’m left with is a pretty full on hang up about my weight and my body. Even though I eat plenty, and have a fairly average sized figure there is still a part of me that is disgusted with my wobbly bits. I look in the mirror and struggle to see the beauty in the new me.

Fat acceptance appeals to me. Not as in fat and unhealthy, but fat and healthy. A fat girl who exercises and eats a salad with her cake possibly ?  It would be brilliant to go in a clothes store and try on clothing without feeling anything bigger than a twelve is a failure. To eat something and not be already promising myself that tomorrow will be a leaner, healthier eating day to make up for this sin. It is all so superficial and dull that I hate myself for feeling this way, but I do.

I can’t help thinking that life is too short for all this worry. I wish I could be free from all this concern. Society isn’t making this any easier for me. Obesity crisis I’m told, we are a nation of fatties and it must be stopped. Is guilt making us fatter ?

Conversely I look in a magazine or turn on the TV and see the skinniest folk imaginable in the public eye. Women with prepubescent bodies whose heads look giant in proportion to their emaciated bodies, yuck. My brain tells me this is wrong, but I wouldn’t hate it if I woke up looking like that.

Even the larger ladies in the public eye eventually get smaller, initially it’s all articles about how comfortable they are with their bodies, next its their exercise DVD, frustrating.

I want to live my life, not think about food. I can’t go a day without thinking about this, what a supreme waste of time and energy that is. I could let go of this, eat when I’m hungry, move my body, enjoy my life. Wouldn’t that be wonderful. Whats stopping me if the fear that if I let go of all this fear it would push me over the edge. I would eat and eat and soon they would be making me a special giant sized bed and rubbing special cream into my fat folds.

So, I will probably be fighting this battle for the rest of my life, along with many other women. One things for sure though, I will never return to the skinny, obsessed, dieting, dull version of myself that wore lycra for a living. Lets face it eating cake is more fun than being thin.