On Friday I went to London to a blogger event. I had expected it to be a real treat a break from routine, going to London child free to take part in a cookery event.
Headed to the event I felt great, I have come such a long way since being in hospital this time last year and I even reflected on how much better I felt. I got the tube, feeling a little buzz as I confidently navigated the underground system without any anxiety. Head held high I walked down the street towards the venue looking forward to a lovely few hours in the company of some of my blogging friends.
I grabbed my phone to check my map for directions and everything changed. A man cycled up behind me, grabbed my phone, shoved me out of the way and quickly cycled off. He was gone as quickly as he appeared and I almost didn’t believe it had happened. I carried on walking.
As I walked I started crying as the shock, anger and fear started to hit me. On arrival I told my story and dealt with the practicalities, block the phone, contact the police, and pulled myself together.
I felt ok and took part in the event, enjoyed chatting and laughing with the other bloggers, I really thought perhaps I was just going to take this in my stride.I was wrong. At the station on the way home the anxious, sick, panicky feeling started in the pit of my stomach. I had a horrible journey home and spent the evening feeling mentally bruised.
It is now Sunday, three days since the incident, and I still feel pretty terrible. I feel embarrassed that such a relatively minor incident has left me in such a state. This sends me into a spiral of self hatred, why can’t I cope with this? Why am I so weak and vulnerable? Why did I let myself imagine that I was getting better?
I honestly don’t know how to move on from this. I feel like every time I plant my flag on the top of the mountain I end up sliding back down and find myself right back where I started. I am letting my family, friends and self down. How can those that love me live with this way of life, the drama, the level of support that I need. Why should they live like this.
This man didn’t just take my phone, he took my confidence and I am ashamed that it is so easy to take.