Today I sucked at parenting. Luckily for my offspring I don’t suck at parenting too often. Today though I was not at my best. First up, I am tired. I partied hard at the weekend, which btw when you’re a thirty something mum means I stayed up late to watch a DVD. Go me. Plus my youngest two don’t seem to give a crap about ensuring that I get my eight hours sleep at night, and often wake Purpledad and I, which is shortsighted of them as we both suck at parenting when we’re tired.

Anyway a couple of days a week I take my friends children when he goes to work, and then take them to school with mine. That means rounding up five children pre school run and ensuring that they are all wearing shoes and coats. Not only that but because they are not my children I have to do so without roaring like a lion and yelling “for God’s sake get your bloomin shoes on” at the top of my voice. Btw isn’t it weird how much nicer we all are to other peoples kids? Or is that just me?

So, I’m getting shoes on children in my very narrow hallway and trying to wrestle Wonder Girl into her buggy, which is something like persuading an irritated badger to sit still whilst I brush his fur, as in not easy. I glance over at Robo Boy and notice he is not putting on his shoes at all. In fact he is lying on his back wiggling his feet in the air and laughing, at me, or at least it feels that way at this point.

Now there is history here, Robo Boy notoriously never puts his shoes onto until at least the fifth time of asking. I am so over asking Robo Boy to put his shoes on. So I say to him “Robo Boy put on your shoes or I will take you to school with no shoes on at all”. He continues rolling about on the floor ignoring me.

So I tell him “Robo Boy I’m going to count to five, if the shoes aren’t on by the time I get to five then you are going without shoes”. I count to five, as slowly as possible, and he does nothing. By this point I’m starting to sound a little screechy and the other children are all staring at me. Respect for the grown up in charge is at an all time low, Robo Boy is walking all over me and all the children know it.

So just as I am about to open the door and drag Robo Boy outside, shoeless, in the pouring rain (unsure as to whether this is the right call but too far along with the threat to do otherwise) he caves, and puts his shoes on. Determined not to lose all respect and authority I tell him “no scooter today because you have not been a helpful boy this morning. He responds with “well you’re a smelly poop head and I don’t care”. I pretend I didn’t hear and march off to school planning my revenge in the form of broccoli for dinner.

* Super Kid is five, Robo Boy is three and Wonder Girl is eighteen months.

Luckily he is cute !