I nearly didn’t write this blog post, scared of hurting or upsetting anyone who loves me and reads it. In amongst the rainbow colours of my life, the funny stories, the food, the pictures of my beautiful family, the reds, yellows, greens and pinks, there is grey. That grey is a part of me too and this blog would be a lie if I didn’t write about it.
On the school run today I am smiley, I am chatty, I am funny, I crack everyone up with my self deprecating humour. I am better, my blip before the half term holiday is done, I am no longer weeping as I walk the children to school. The teachers don’t have to usher me inside lest the other Mum’s see me break down in the playground.
I look in the mirror in the mornings and I look better. I pay attention to detail again, hair done, clothes matched, even a splash of blusher, a swipe of mascara. The children are happy, I am calm again, collected, fun and engaging.
Yet inside something somewhere is missing. I hate to even admit this, so scared of ruining my picture perfect ideal family notion that I carry around with me. So scared of people reading my blog and running scared when they realise that I am a fraud. That despite my beautiful family, wonderful husband, brilliant friends, it all feels pointless at times, and now I am in one of those times.
I feel like a cameraman with the camera always rolling, life always rolling. Watching the scenes, family play in the park, friends chat in the street, sun shines on my garden. It’s my life, my family, and yet, and yet it doesn’t seem to be touching me, the sun isn’t warming me, why?
I’m not desperately unhappy, it’s just that the cycle of life has lost its appeal. Wake up, eat, cook, play, sleep, wake up, play, chat, eat, sleep. On and on, the ‘big wheel’ is turning and I don’t understand my purpose on it.
It scares the heck out of me that after everything I have been through this is still an issue. After all the doctors, pills, therapies, support, even a few honest to goodness mental hospital admissions, I am not fixed. There is no new solution, no new idea to chase. That is scary, this is me, this grey visitor will keep returning, unwelcome, into my head?
I dunno if anything I can say will help, but I just wanted you to know that I know exactly what you mean. And I know it’s horrible, so I’m sorry.
If you ever need anything, then I’m here *waves*.
Thanks, it really helps that someone else gets it. Thanks for being there missis.
This is a beautiful and honest post. I have no experience of depression myself, but I have close friends and relatives who’ve been affected by it. From what I understand, it’s not something that tends to go away completely, forever, never to return again. I am no expert, but I think the grey you’re describing is a sign that you need to keep talking and keep being honest about your feelings. And never feel you have to pretend or hide them away. In that direction, trouble lies. xxx
Thanks Molly, I think if I stopped talking about it then I would be really worried about myself, so you’re right.
I know this doesn’t make it ok, and isnt intended to lessen your feelings, but I do think the majority of people feel that at times. At least when you’re grey, you give a purple shimmer. Hugs. Xxx
True, my grey always has a purple hue.
I have always thought your honesty is one of your strengths.
I have always wanted a magic wand to wave away your grey.
I have often wanted to give you a big bear hug in person instead of sending a cyber cuddle.
I have always admired the way I see you cope, fully aware that I don’t see the whole picture.
I have total respect for you and hope you know.
I am always sorry that we don’t see each other more often because I love you.
Amazing reply, thankyou. Love you too chick and with us it’s definitely a case of quality over quantity, though more quantity would be super.
There are lots of nice replayes above and I hope you understand you are not alone and I belive you would be very alone, if you where “fixed”. You are a wonderful whole person with all de colors in the rainbow; dark and light. I know you will feel lighter again and I hope it will be soon.
Lots of love from a grandma
Thanks Anne, it’s always lovely to hear from you, keep visiting.
I have these feelings sometimes, I think a lot of people do, this might not be depression but just the normal down many people get. nobodies rainbow is all bright colours and the downs are part of life, its the scary depression you don’t want, hope you feel better soon x
So much of what you say reflects elements of what so many of us feel at times, to varying degrees. I hope it helps you when you write it down because I’m certain that your honest descriptions helps others.
Thanks Jayne, that’s really nice of you to say.
…ten years or more with The Black Dog, like you pills and stuff and more stuff until, I discovered MBCT. Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (on NHS).
It has completely turned me and my life around. Try it! In the moment for the moment.
Thanks Tim, I will look into that.
I have a lot of grey too. Its good to know its not just me. Its sad to know you are feeling grey too 🙁
Yes lets both look for some more orange.
Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is to be open and honest. I too suffer with my minds illness and have found blogging a way to express myself. Keep strong and keep up the good work!
so sorry Ella I read this in my email folder last week and haven’t got around to commenting (sorry). you have come So far and cope so well, i dont know how you keep your greyness away each day but i appreciate that at times the flickers of it enter your mind and mess up your thoughts and happiness. i hope that since writing this things are a bit better for you? you need to make some more cakes and do what you do best – writing about it all because your writing is so enjoyable to read even if at times hard because of trying to get across how you are really feeling. as always i admire your honesty and wish you well x x
Thanks Jenny, this is a really sweet comment.