Recently I read about a family who chose to raise their child as gender neutral to avoid stereotyping. They have since revealed that their child is a boy since it became hard to conceal his gender once he started primary school. Apparently he still wears boy’s and girl’s clothing and enjoys playing with lego and dolls. This article leads me to questioning my own parenting and whether I have forced gender stereotypes onto my children.
I did dress Super Kid in boy’s clothing, and as you probably know a fair amount of what’s on offer is blue. I gave him a selection of toys consciously trying not to force boys toys onto him. He had cars, toy food, a toy pushchair and a duplo doll house. In fact I would have loved him to play with the doll house and play kitchens but he loved trains and his wooden train set. Later it was matchbox cars which became his favourite. The buggy was played with but in a very boyish way, zooming around the house and carrying his precious trains and cars.
Robo Boy soon developed a passion for robots which has endured for many years. He has more interest in play cooking and cuddly toys than his brother. Both boys love sticks and stones, and they play fight often. They tear through the house like puppies, full of enthusiasm and energy.
Bringing up Wonder Girl has been so different from the very start. I question whether having been outnumbered by my husband and the boys have I forced girl onto her? Certainly I have enjoyed dressing my first girl and she is often in a dress. She has ‘girl’ toys, a toy pram, dolls, and lots of cuddly toys. She also has all her brothers toys so she can really choose to play with whatever she wants.
Watching her play with a friend (also a girl) this morning I was amazed. Her and her friend were taking the baby dolls out of the pram, tucking them up under blankets on the sofa and patting their backs to send them to sleep. This was followed by some solo play whilst I made dinner this afternoon. As I cooked she carefully ‘cooked’ with the play food. Then she returned to her doll and made sure it was dressed properly and still tucked in nicely under the blanket. All very cute, all traditionally feminine play.
There are other things. She has dictated what she wears from around 18 months old. In contrast I could still lay out my six year olds clothing and it’s unlikely he would question it. She can mostly dress herself, including socks, which took the boys until three years old to master, she is not even two. She enjoys drawing and colouring in, she will sit at the table and stick stickers and colour in for at least 15 mins. Again the boys were around three when they had that kind of ability to sit quietly and draw for any length of time.
I guess my gut feeling is that, in general, boys and girls are wired differently. The observations I have made about the differences between raising my sons and my daughter have been echoed by many of my Mum friend’s experiences. Sure there are exceptions, and rightly so but I don’t think I have forced their gender onto my children any more than their favourite colour or food. It’s part of them, their make up and personality.
This is also not to say that I’m not a feminist, I am. I want my daughter to have access to any career she choses. I want her to be paid and treated equally to her male contemporaries. To choose to work (if she wants to) if and when she becomes a mother. I want my boys to grow up expecting to be responsible for cooking, cleaning and childcare alongside their careers. Basically I want all my children to live in a world where there is equality between the genders.
I have to admit to myself though that I’m not sure it’s possible to bring up a child ‘gender neutral’. I think that gender is a part of our make up and it influences our behaviour, thoughts and feelings. I think that’s ok. What do you think?
I’m always astounded by how girls and boys play differently. Ok, so my son’s always been dressed in boys clothes (just bemuses me and makes me wonder why you’d actually choose to dress a boy in girls clothes, although fair enough give them a mix of fancy dress clothes if you wanted), but toys wise, he’s always wanted anything with wheels and ignored dolls. It’s only been recently that he’s started looking after the dolls at nursery and trying to dress them – but that ties in with him learning to dress/undress himself.
He has my old toy pushchair – but mostly pushes round his tractor or peter rabbit in it. And his friends are similar – their obsession is anything with wheels. His girl friends walk round with dolls – a few have train sets and one likes Thomas but mostly they want to play with their dolls.
The one ‘girly’ thing my son loves is playing with kitchen stuff and his toy food. But he loves eating and loves watching & helping me prepare our meals, so it’s very much role play that he’s enjoying. Doing real things rather than anything feminine.
I believe that the majority of children are naturally into ‘gender’ specific toys and will naturally end up falling into the natural stereotype. Maybe that’s a traditional view, but that’s what I see with my son and his friends, however tomboyish the girls and however crafty/gentle the boys.
I agree, but I suppose I’m wondering whether this is the case because of the way we instinctively parent them. Or would it have always been this way regardless?
I think we mould our children towards certain types of play depending on their gender. But I don’t think that’s necessarily such a bad thing. We’re social beings, and have to learn to live in a world where there are norms around the way people of different genders behave.
I also think it’s important to bear in mind that our children might not be as butch/girly as everyone else around them. And that we should support them in being who they are, not what society decides they should be.
I absolutely agree with supporting our children in being who they are. I always say that I want my children to be the best, happiest version of themselves.
My daughter refuses to wear dresses and lives in boy clothes, but whilst she is happy to play cars or dollies she certainly has the girl gene for sitting down and doing craft for hours.
and my son’s favourite fancy dress outfit is a fairy, he claims his favourite colour is pink, but he could play cars for ages and likes sticks
I agree that your two have definitely got interests that could be defined as opposite gender. I would say that your daughter is quieter and more chilled whilst your son is more bouncy,and boyish though?
In my home the gender roles have been reversed somewhat, up till now, Jake has been more into babies and playing house, Amy never wanted to, Just recently his play Has become more boyish, he still tries not to step on daisies though 🙂
It’s always a good idea to avoid stepping on daisies.
This is all v interested! I have a little girl (two in a week or so) and have tried to not be overly “girly” with her – but that’s mostly because that isn’t my taste. She has some dresses but just as many pairs of jeans. She has a couple of dolls, and some toy cars. A real mix I suppose!
What’s interested is that after reading what you say about your little girl – mine could not be more different! She cannot concentrate on colouring/activities for more than five minutes, has no interest whatsoever in picking her clothes (and if I give a choice, she will just ignore me, carry on playing and never ever pick!) and certainly can’t dress herself.
That said, I don’t think she will ever grow up to be or feel gender neutral. She is every aware of “girls” and “boys”, knows she is a girl and adores pink. She just wants a pink car and a pink football!
It’s possible that Wonder Girl is so independent because she has two older brothers to copy. Could explain why she sits and colours, and dresses herself and your daughter doesn’t?
My kids are just the same. I wouldn’t go as far as dressing them in the opposite gender’s clothes, but they all had the choice of ‘boy’s’ and ‘girl’s’ toys and, guess what?! My boys behave like boys and my girl behaves like a girl! My girl loves clothes and will sit drawing and colouring for hours 🙂