The moment I peed on the most important stick I have ever peed on (and yes I have peed on other sticks, I’m weird like that) was the very last moment in which I was my only concern.
I took Wonder Girl and Robo Boy to do a little shopping earlier this week. I wanted to find a dress to wear to a little blogging conference I’m attending this weekend (squeee). It wasn’t the easiest shopping trip ever. Wonder Girl was being her usual age two self, throwing herself on the floor and screaming because I was insisting she hold my hand. Robo boy was being beautifully behaved. Such a small insignificant day really, but still there is endless worry.
The guilt. The many levels of guilt. First am I doing the right thing by Wonder Girl insisting she hold my hand despite her upset? I don’t want to be a hand holding fascist. Perhaps I am setting her up for a lifetime of control issues by insisting on this. Robo Boy is being so good, it’s not fair that he get so little attention because of Wonder Girls antics. Perhaps I am setting him up for a lifetime of feeling ignored and alone. In fact I shouldn’t even be here because me needing a dress for a silly self indulgent trip to London is unnecessary. I am putting my children secondary to my own needs, bad Mum.
I mean geez right. Nearly every decision I make has a consequence to my children. That’s some responsibility. If I feed them the wrong things they will have health problems. If I let them watch too much TV they will be obese and have attention span issues. Let them play computer games and they might become aggressive.
If I work I’m a neglectful parent. If I don’t work I’m not a useful member of society. Parenting is like those rigged games at carnivals, it’s not possible to get it completely right. You will never get the ball into the bucket and win the stuffed good parenting trophy.
I want my children to have perfect lives in rose coloured worlds. I want them to be healthy, happy and fulfilled. I want to find the magic parenting technique to ensure that their future is positive and wonderful.
I think I am excessive in the amount I worry about my parenting. I think this is because I didn’t have the ideal childhood, so I want better for my children. I don’t just want average, I want picture perfect. I need to chill the heck out. I have known this for a long time but I don’t know how. I’m afraid that if I chill out I will slide down a slippery slope. That if I relax a little then before I know it we will all be eating jaffa cakes for dinner and watching cartoons all day long.
Please share your experiences of parental guilt and how you deal with it. Where is the middle ground, and what is the name of that parenting guru who has all the answers?
Firstly, I think your children have a WONDERFUL childhood and that you are a brilliant mother. I really, really do. Tantrums and sometimes needs being imbalanced (ie maybe someone doesn’t get quite as much attention as they need) is just a part of life and your children will survive (and honestly maybe even be better for it). As for the hand-holding, I so hear you there. I’ve started to pick my battles with that one because it would just do my head in otherwise!
I daily live with guilt. Sometimes it’s deserved and worth experiencing, considering then throwing aside with a resolve to change. Other times, it’s because I’m trying to control what’s beyond my control and I need to give that away too. Easier said than done.
Thanks Adele, that’s very sweet of you. I hear you about picking your battles, it would be very stressful if I tried to control too much. I am going through the hand holding battle because WG has a habit of running into roads when we are walking down the street. So it needs to be done, sadly.
I think that is picture perfect but then what is perfection.
I designed a poster once and it said..
There is no way to be a perfect parent
but
a thousands of ways of being a great one.
I also designed one that said…
Perfection is a word and nothing else.
The moral of those words are perfection doesn’t exist and if you stop looking for it, you will actually find you will get closer to what you imagined ‘perfection’ to be. x x x
Deep comment there…
P.S You are a great parent I am more than sure of that x x x
P.P.S All great parents need a break so enjoy Britmums and the hugs and kisses that follow when you come home. x x x
Very deep, thank you.
Guilt will always be there, just try not to be engulfed by it. You do a great job and your family is an amazing testament to that!
As for hand holding, I haven’t really had that battle but my startergy would probably be (when it feels necessary) either hold hands or have a backpack with reins. If these options are refused strapped into pushchair…or were you trying not to use one?
Oh and they definitely need to learn that your needs are important too so a shopping trip for a dress is a valuable lesson for them 🙂 xxx
Funnily enough I had the reins and she was given a choice between the two. Her response, no to either lol . So she was throwing herself down to refuse either. We have made progress now and she is holding hands more readily.
Surely the orange bit in jaffa cakes is one of your 5-a-day?!? Since having kids I have definitely spent a lot of time feeling guilty. I think it’s partly because there’s so much advice on parenting out there- you can never match up to all of it. Plus, I think the harder you try the more you’re likely to feel let down when things don’t go how you’d planned- which they never will when there are small kids involved. I try to celebrate the small stuff- like, I’ve got them both safely to school with breakfast inside them and moderately clean (if not ironed) clothes on the outside. Enjoy your weekend x
The orange bit is fruit. Good point. I hear you r.e. the small stuff, I am pleased if we all get our shoes on without tears, mine or there’s.
Hey there, I totally relate to your guilt. I’m plagued with the same curse every moment I have time to think! And I really think there is no cure! Have fun at your conference!
Really? No cure? Damn!
I totally understand the constant guilt feelings. If we are out and my children are playing up a bit, if I tell them off I’m a bad Mum because I shouldn’t get cross with them as it sets a bad example. But if I don’t tell them off I’m a bad Mum because I don’t discipline my children. You can’t win whatever you do! I’m right with you on the hand holding though. My daughters don’t like it either but until they prove to me that they can walk sensibly, I’d rather keep them safe.
I’ve come to the conclusion that feeling guilty just goes with the territory of being a mum. I am a sahm but feel guilty when not playing with my son in order to do the household chores. As someone else has said, there’s so much info out there telling us what we should be doing and how we could be damaging our children psychologically if we don’t do x,y,z that we’re all becoming a bit paranoid. I think we should all take a chill pill and accept perfection is not a reality.