I’ve blogged before, here, about privacy and my blog. How I felt that at times I’d given away more of myself than truly felt comfortable. That I’d prefer to keep some information between me and my family. Actually I’ve realised that sharing on my blog is actually, for me, part of a bigger problem. I’m a massive over sharer in real life too, I give away far too much of myself to anyone who cares to listen. It doesn’t feel comfortable to admit this, but it’s true and if I ‘share’ this here (oh the irony) it’s a step towards changing it.
I think I share because I feel insecure. Constantly afraid of not being enough, of being unlikable, and the less I know you then the more insecure I’m probably feeling. So sometimes I share really personal information with people I barely know because perhaps it will make them like me more. I know this is absolutely skewed logic because I’m probably more likely to send them running in the opposite direction with some of my reality, but there you go.
I also share to fill gaps. I find gaps in conversation difficult, because the gap gives you (the potential friend or acquaintance) a chance to think ‘blimey this girl is an irritating waste of five minutes of my life’ . Therefore I MUST fill that gap, at all costs, even if the cost is you knowing my mental health history, family issues, and current crush (Purpledad of course). Obviously I do also ask about the other person, and encourage them to converse (I’m not that self involved) but if they aren’t forthcoming then I feel like it’s time to verbally strip naked.
So I share, then I go away feeling relaxed and confident because I filled those gaps and made you like me more. Erm nope, actually I go away and analyse the minute details of what I said, and cringe, a lot. Regretting giving so much of myself away I resolve not to make this mistake again. Which I have a lot of success with, until the very next time I open my mouth, sigh.
Enough. It’s time to challenge this nonsense. To question, am I enjoying this persons company and is this relationship right for me? Before I desperately try to ‘make’ people like me. To be enough, regardless of your perception, to basically get on board with who I am and make my peace with it. In fact I do have a husband, a family, friends, and I really need to realise that they don’t hang around as charity work, they like me. It’s time to be glad for that, time to stop feeling that I need to put on a show for everyone, it’s the Purplemum show with added life dramas, enough already.
So my mid December resolution (don’t worry I’ve a whole bag full of issues sitting here waiting for January) is to get some privacy. I will not share my health issues anytime I say no to something because I’m too tired, I don’t have to explain myself. I won’t give away my history, and deepest secrets to just anyone, especially if they didn’t actually ask for or want them. I will practise the art of small talk, I too will mention the recent cold snap, or hectic nature of the festive period “finally got the Christmas cards out today” is conversation and not every conversation needs to be Oscar worthy.