Yesterday was a grey, wet, January day with added crud. Firstly I felt pretty blah, tired, unmotivated, and miserable for no good reason. Secondly the children have been challenging my patience levels enormously of late. They’re just being children, and siblings but basically enough already! It feels like I’ve been spending large chunks of my day either motivating them to get something done, dealing with squabbles or asking Robo boy, repeatedly, to please not teach his little sister to say poo, bum, head as it doesn’t go down well at toddler group. They’re definitely testing my anger management skills.
Then the universe decided not to play ball. Firstly my card wasn’t accepted whilst shopping online meaning no elastic glove holders for the kids, mildly frustrating. Then on the school run, an unfortunate lady at school accidentally brushed Wonder Girl’s face with her hand, and I assume her ring as she left a sharp little cut on her cheek, cue meltdown. Not good since I needed to get the boys to their post school swimming lessons.
Finally having calmed down Wonder Girl and got all the children strapped into their seats in the car I sat down ready to drive them to swimming class. Only the seat was in Purpledad’s driving position, and it was stuck. Usually you pull a handle underneath the seat whilst jiggling forward and it moves. Not today, it was stuck fast I jiggled, and pulled, and jiggled more. Finally, and believe me I’m deeply ashamed of this, I lost my rag!
I’m telling you this in the interests of self improvement. I’m taking responsibility for my actions hoping to find better anger management skills. So here goes. Yes I shouted, and I cried, and I may have roared a little. All with my worried looking children sat in the back of the car. As I said I’m deeply ashamed.
In the end my kind neighbour managed to jiggle just the right way and unstick my seat. I pulled myself together, drove to swimming and all was well but. The bit. The bit where I lost control is haunting me. I don’t want my children to have to see me lose control like that, it’s probably very scary for them to see the person they depend on, for virtually everything, in this state.
So I’ve written a list of ideas of things I can do next time I get stressed and angry. I propose that my first line of defence is to shut up. Not talking when I feel like the things I want to say are not constructive would mean not shouting at the children, or Purpledad, or being disrespectful when they’re making me cross. Next I’m thinking the good old classic deep breaths, concentrating only on my breathing and letting the frustration out via breath. If I need to I will take time away from the situation, especially if it’s the children arguing or suchlike that’s winding me up. Finally I will try to focus on why I’m angry and how practically in that moment to improve the situation.
What do you think dear readers? Do you get angry, and lose your rag? If not how do you cope, do you have strategies, I’d love to hear them.
I have a real problem with my temper and it’s something I am trying to work on really hard. I hate that scared look on the kids face’s after they’ve seen me explode. Good luck, I’ll be looking to you for tips xx
Thanks Em, it helps to hear I’m not alone. Lets crack this together!
I tend just to swallow it. Deep breaths and I try to see the funny side, tell myself ‘it’ll make a good blog post’ etc. I’ve heard a rumour exercise helps but not been driven to that yet. Good luck. Great post.
The ‘good blog post material’ thing does get me through some tough stuff.
I have lost control in front of the boys many a time. I have decided that it is not a perfect world and I am teaching them that I am not a perfect person! Hey we are all only human. Sometimes a good old scream and shout does everyone involved the world of good. We call it my Wicked Witch of the North Phase and then laugh it off
You’re right, it’s definitely not a perfect world, would be a shock if we brought them up in a bubble.
I think it’s ok to get angry every so often, it’s an element of human nature. Then follow it up with an apology and of course and explanation, so that children understand. It’s not always rosy all time, we all make mistakes, we can repair that, go forward.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, yes, try harder in the future. I think you have a good plan.
I’m quite interested in the whole mindfulness thing, I’ve read various articles and there’s an app which I am thinking of giving a go. I like the idea of a bit of space to rebalance 10/20 minutes, but appreciate with 3 children that’s not always easy.
Mindfulness interests me, though ironically I don’t have time to really look at it properly. Doh.
You didn’t hit anyone…….you have no need to feel ashamed……when I think back I was lucky with ours…I raise my voice far more to them now at 14 and 16 than I ever did when they were little….yours may have been a little scared in the car but they were all OK……shopping,school runs ,all testing time with kids…..when things reach a point immediately try to remind yourself that things on a myriad of level could be so much worse….try to have gratitude in that moment for your aliveness….life is hard…a little well directed rage can snap you out & into action…which is a whole lot better than swallowing/supressing it & that coming out in resentment and disappointment later….good luck…Happy New year to you and the Purple crew…!! xx
Thanks Ben, and may I add it’s lovely to see and hear from you in my little corner of the internet. Happy New Year!
I never realised how angry I am until I became a parent. I think it’s one of the ways parenting has the potential to make us better people. That is, if we can learn how to be angry without hurting others or ourself. I still haven’t mastered that one and expect it’s just going to be a long journey!
I knew I was angry but somehow hoped that giving birth was going to make me all peaceful and earth motherly, naive or what!
oh goodness i practically screamed at my two yesterday just because they would not put their shoes on after the 5th time of asking them on the way out of the house to go to school! i have been shouting a lot for all of the reasons you have stated above and i say sorry after and i have promised i wont but for some reason they wont keep their promise of doing as they are told!!!
if you find a winning list PLEASE can you share it with me? thank s x
Exactly, if only they were reasonable this parenting lark would be much easier.
Thank you for sharing this. Because of rubbishy situations over the last few months(mostly financial) I’ve found my temper getting shorter and shorter, and I feel myself shouting at kids and hubby more often. When I’ve bawled at the kids (both under 3!) sometimes over something rather pathetic, I look at their little upset and confused faces and my heart breaks. I’m so glad to know other people have meltdowns and your ways of dealing with it are things I’m going to try, ax otherwise I’m going to think about professional help to manage it. X
Don’t worry. The main thing is you see it and are prepared to take action to improve the situation, good luck.
Try not to worry too much, although shocking for them, I’m sure they have forgotten all about it by now, it’s not like it’s a daily occurrence.
I think most of us parents get to the point where we have a little melt down, nothing to be ashamed of, there is only so much you can take. I’ve had several, a lot were to do with my PND and PTSD, they were horrid but have had no lasting effects on the kids, they still love and depend on me.
Take it easy and don’t be so hard on yourself xx
Thanks Amanda, sorry to hear you suffered with PSD and PND, that’s tough.
I find that if I stamp my feet and say in a really cross way “I’m really cross” my teenagers laugh and this makes me giggle by which time they usually step in and these days they talk me through it. Role reversal times.
Love this idea! definitely going to try it.
You are definitely not alone! There’s nothing like parenting amid the day-to-day frustrations of life to make me lose my cool.
You might find The Orange Rhino blog interesting. She committed to not yelling at her kids for 365 days — and did it. http://www.theorangerhino.com.