A little while ago I’d made a decision to keep this blog upbeat, possibly verging on ‘look people I’m keeping my sh*t together therefore I’m obviously not completely mental.’ I’m not sure what I feel I’ve got to prove, or who I need to prove it to, but I need to look normal, and I need to be coping or I have failed. Which obviously in and of itself would be bad, because failing isn’t coping.
So despite coping with some pretty stressful situations in the last couple of months, all you guys have been privy to is shared recipes, ideas for organisation and the odd upbeat happy life story. All of which is truth, and relevant to the story of my life, but honestly I’ve reached a point where I need to write both sides, because writing and sharing help. When the balance tips from ‘I need you to see me coping’ towards I’m hedging pretty close to not coping then appearances perhaps don’t matter so much?
So this is the life stuff. First our house. I’m not sure whether I’ve ever told you how much I love our house? Well I do, I love it and I love it’s location. As someone who doesn’t fit every situation it’s been wonderful to finally feel in the right place. Until of course my landlady decided to sell my house. So now it has a for sale sign outside, and we’re making plans to move. I’m trying really hard to be grown up and handle it all brilliantly. But if you’ll excuse me for a minute I’d like to stamp my feet a little, throw some toys out of the pram and cling tightly to my living room floor!
Then there was the health scare. A lump, an appointment within two weeks, a waiting room and lots of prayers. It’s all fine, and I feel incredibly lucky not to be one of the people who left that department crying. It took it’s toll, and I’m still left with the bloody ME diagnosis.
Then Christmas came, and all was well, some time to rest, recuperate. I thought I’d got my head round it all, and 2014 would see me moving on. Then January came, and it’s been such a cliche, grey skies, rain, blah. So I’m hoping this is just January. That the black inside my head, the weight inside, is just a product of January.
It’s annoyingly familiar. Life feels futile, happiness is hard to hang onto. So I do something, I take a bath with my gorgeous girl and it makes me feel warmth again, I edge away from the scary place in my mind. Then a few hours pass and the grey clouds appear overhead again and I’m back in that place.
So perhaps this is coping? I’m not panicking, begging Doctors for solutions, raging round my house trying to outrun this. Instead I’m sitting with it, trying not to let it’s fear engulf me. Finding the pleasure in anything that I possibly can. Waiting for it to pass. I’m confident it will pass, which is also progress. I recognise my illness, my moods are going to do this to me from time to time, and I’m glad that I’m learning to deal with it better. So that’s that, but I do need to write, I realise that now.
So the blog, stories from our happy lives, recipes, ideas, product reviews and the odd rambling post about the state of my serotonin. Enjoy!
awwww Ella sending you a mahooosive (hug) and slice of cake and a big mug of tea. I am so sorry you had to go through the lump scenario that must have been bloody terrifying but I am so happy and pleased for you that it was nothing to be concerned about, and i had no idea about the ME diagnosis 🙁
I think January is tough for a lot of people – like a ginat come down from all the frivolity and fun that Christmas brings
I hope it will soon pass x x
All things considering – you are going good. Keep going. (Although it might not feel like it). Keep sharing. X
I hope writing about it has helped, it does me. And I happen to think that you’re doing pretty well all things considered. I also wanted to make my own blog more upbeat this year; I’ve failed already! x
My blog is only a small echo of my life, the parts I want to share and the well more upbeat stuff. I have photo’s of several recipes to fill in the gaps of actually not wanting to blog. A paid post gives me an excuse to write in an upbeat way, the money seems less important!
Though if it didn’t include another person then I would write more, it clears your mind helps you move forward. Mind my draft folder is pretty full of such posts, some started and never finished!
Serotonin is a bitch when it plays up and I spend rather a lot of time trying to work out way’s to put it in its place for my lovely daughter, yet to of course!
Accepting of your moods and feelings must be a really positive step. A saw a quote yesterday ‘Little by little you go far’, I liked it! x
You tare care and January is nearly out the way and the bulbs and leaf buds are telling us Spring is on its way! x x x
I found that pretending to be happy and normal was a bit of a chore, like putting on a disguise, but the more you work at it the more you accidentally end up doing it. Until you’re happy and normal without realizing and the disguise becomes just comfy clothing. Sure I get the odd dark day when I just want to “go home” (a 240 mile drive!) and I end up sulking indoors but that’s probably 1 in 100 if not less.
Keep at it x
Being honest is being brave, and I think you’ve been so brave to share just a snapshot of what’s been going on. Keep on writing, we’re reading and loving it. Enjoy your weekend with family x
You have been through and are going through so, so much. No need to put it all here if you need this to be a place of control but also fine to give us these windows into what’s going on with you from time to time. It does sound like you’re coping, which is brilliant. But it’s also OK to not be OK. Bring on some sunshine!