Wonder Girl is waiting by the front door for me, ready for the school run. I’m dashing around gathering book bags and packed lunches, whilst encouraging children to put on shoes and zip up coats (why is it that children seem to have an aversion to wearing their coats zipped up, regardless of the weather?)

A scream, “Mummy, Mummy, help!”

I dash over to Wonder Girl, and she is looking at the floor whilst edging away from a ginormous spider. I mean this thing had a body the size of my fist with long spindly legs which reached nearly all the way from Bristol to Birmingham. Massive.

By now the boys are watching, the expectation being that Mummy will save them from this monstrosity, that’s definitely a Mummy job. So I put to one side my racing pulse, and general adrenaline reactions to this beast and I grab a small plastic beaker and a piece of cardboard. I barely contain a squeal and a shiver as I trap this thing, and try (and probably fail) to look nonchalant as I chuck the man eater out of the door.

Job Description: Mother. 

  • Hours: 6am to 7pm with on call duties in between.
  • Pay package: no monitory payment but hugs and kisses will be plentiful.
  • Duties: care of children including cooking for, cleaning of, schedule organising, bum wiping and chauffeuring. Must provide all own work tools including children’s clothing, shoes, food and a plethora of toys which must be scattered around the work environment willy nilly.
  • Skills needed: Patience, negotiation, crisis resolution, counselling, sense of humour, choreography, tutoring, and positivity.