One of the reasons I love blogging is the ability to edit myself, less of those ‘did I really just say that’ moments. No need to analyse recent past conversations searching for the moment in which I blew the potential contact/friendship. I’ve been known to send texts to people I’ve spent ‘real life’ time with, apologising for being such a wierdo!
My social skills suck, and I honestly don’t know how to improve them whilst still being me, and not being unbearably self aware all the time. So over the years I’ve come to accept that this is me, there are people who love me regardless (or possibly because of) of my complete lack of brain/mouth filter. I’ve made my peace with not being the most popular girl in the room. I’ve learned to appreciate the friends that ‘get’ me, and not spend too much time with those that don’t.
Now though, now I have children, and with that comes some enforced socialising with other parents . Spending time with other parents, and trying hard not to blow it so badly that my children don’t end up under the same ‘oddbod best avoided’ shadow. Something happened today that really upset me, and I can’t go into what because it’s private but lets just say that a situation that I’ve caused affected one of my children. Hard and very upsetting.
I talked this situation through with someone else, and they gave me some good advice. That I need to compartmentalise myself. That certain social situations call for certain versions of oneself. Obviously I’ve heard of this concept before, but actually doing it is really really hard for me. I determine to make weather related conversation etc, but then life takes me in it’s stormy grasp and I arrive at a situation carried by my emotions rather than by logic. Then I’m me in that moment, feeling whatever I’m feeling, obviously swiftly followed by the aforementioned ‘sorry I’m such a wierdo’ text. For goodness sake how is it possible that I’m so useless at something that other people seem to instinctively do.
Perhaps I should become a mute?
I really need to improve this particular skill set. I need your help, some simple tips that I can take forward into future social situations. Perhaps you struggle too? Sharing that will also help.
I wonder whether one way to compartmentalise is to think of it as a performance character? The Charlie that stands up in front of 200 software engineers in a suit to talk about programming and business is certainly a character just the same as the Charlie on stilts looning around at a festival…I find it helps me keep ‘work’ (in several different sectors) and ‘play’ separate in my head. Hope this helps!
Yes I think that’s probably a good idea. Today I will be playing the role of sane, ordinary mother of three etc. Should sane mother of three do cartwheels?
One of my main fears about Annie starting school was having to spend time with other school parents. I never developed any real social skills to speak of and am determined my two won’t end up like me. I’ve taken to copying what Annie does as she’s such a sociable, brave kiddo and I’m trying to be more like her
I have sent those, ‘hope I wasn’t too odd’ texts to people who have to spend time with me too.
When we met though at Kiddicare you came across as an annoying social person, I was actively jealous of you!! xx
I’m so excited to hear that I’m not along in the apologetic texts! Also pleased to hear I pulled off annoyingly social. I think as a blogger I find events easier since the people tend to be more likeminded, plus I’m so proud of my little blog that this gives me confidence.
Hi Ella, This is the first blog post of yours that I’ve read, and I empathise! I’m afraid that I can’t give you much advice or help but I can tell you a story about me that might make you feel a bit better about it.
We were at a wedding and Simon introduced me to an Irish man that he’d met at the stag do, inviting me to guess what his job was. After a couple of unsuccessful guesses Simon said “his accent is a clue, and it’s an exciting job” Without adding that brain/mouth filter I said “Do you make bombs for the IRA?” Needless to say it was not well received and the rest of the wedding was awkward to say the least. Oops.
I have yet to embarrass my children, but that’s only a matter of time I’m sure.
That story made my day so much better. I was sat laughing aloud on my own clutching my laptop, you funny girl, thanks.
This is the post that I would write, it’s me down to a tee. I spend a lot of time clenching my teeth while silently repeating the mantra “Must learn to keep my mouth shut Must learn to keep my mouth shut Must learn to…”
Sadly, inevitably I don’t take my own advice. Sorry can’t offer help but you are certainly not alone. I only wish I could go back and send all the “Sorry I’m a weirdo” texts I should have…
It’s never too late for a ‘sorry I’m a wierdo text’ although I think that the texts in themselves are a bit weird possibly.
Are we not all capable of putting our foot in our mouth? I think so! You are majorly fun company. When these occasions occur, can you accept you’ve been a bit of a numpty, forgive yourself and move on? Works for me (sometimes takes a good night’s sleep to move on, mind!) I don’t mean that to trivialise the matter, I mean it to demonstrate that maybe instead of trying to compartmentalise, it’s more a case of learning to cope with those odd occasions. You already have techniques for dealing with this with friends – texting, discussions to make them know you are aware of your shortcomings – now maybe you also need to forgive yourself that sometimes your actions affect your children as well as friends.
No-one is perfect, we’re all trying to be human 😉 and you have a really good circle of friends around you which is testament to how good your social skills are. Your children see the whole picture of you and love you unconditionally. It’s unfortunate that they were affected this time but I’m sure they’ll serve you with a situation of similar standing/embarresssment/cringeworthiness at some point, if they haven’t already! And I’m sure you’ll be talkin to them about this and making it right with them, if I know you. xx
P.S. Really interesting food for thought for me though about “compartmentalising” as I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing to be a social chameleon or not!!!
Honestly I think perhaps there is a time and a place for ‘Purplemumness’ and it’s possible that I do need to tone myself down, to stop myself from getting hurt when I put myself out there in these situations and no-one gets me. So compartmentalising to save myself really I suppose.
I have a friend who is very honest and struggles alot with day to day life kids etc but i enjoy her company and her honesty and we do have good conversations. After a catch up together i always end up with a txt from her saying sorry for being a weirdo and i never think she is, the worst thing she does is feel the need to apologise for being her i feel she does this as she thinks im judging her which i never am. If you start to go on and feel you want to stop just say “well anyway enough about me how are you?” and don’t continue giving away too much that you will beat yourself up for later. Think most speak before they think im guilty of this and often say things people take the wrong way (yes it is their fault they take me the wrong way 😉 ) xx