Sometimes it goes well, I am my usual oversharing with humour, blunt, kooky (kind word for weird) self and I get smiles, understanding and shared fun. Other times, often times in fact it doesn’t, I pitch it wrong, say too much, speak too much, and I lose. I’m out there, this is me, I am avoided, or treated politely but without too much warmth for fear that I might consider this a friendship.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about this. She started listing times when she has witnessed me with my foot in my mouth, and unwittingly highlighted my inadequacies and hurt my feelings. Something which I guess she was saying I had done, so there’s karma I suppose.
I spent many years in a community where oddness was accepted, and my quirks tolerated. A warm, cuddly, circus community. Sure I still managed to screw up but it was the odd person and mostly I felt comfortable in my own skin. Now I’m in the ‘real’ world. The world of people with proper jobs, proper lives, and proper social skills. I’m flailing.
I’m not blaming anyone but myself for my situation. I have poor social skills, and I can be rude without meaning too. The problem is that this is me, I am this way and I’ve no idea how to change.
I’ve been very lucky. I’ve found a man who gets past this, who see’s me for whom I am. Better than that he see’s me in a more favourable light than I see myself, he loves my quirks for the most part and he makes me feel likeable. I am enveloped in a warm, loving family and that makes coping with leaving the house easier.
Firstly an apology. I sincerely apologise to anyone out there, reading this, to whom I have been an idiot. My family, my friends, anyone who’s felt hurt, upset or uncomfortable by my behaviour. I’m truly sorry for all of this.
Secondly resolve, to try harder. It doesn’t feel natural to change but perhaps in time it will. How do I keep my Purple essence, the part people like regardless? How do I keep my foot out of my mouth whilst retaining the ability to make people laugh? I’m genuinely asking because my confidence is suffering and I need to do better.