A niggling feeling coming from … where… head? Gut? Where do niggling feelings originate? Unsure but still a definite niggling feeling from somewhere. The niggle that always accompanies major life change. In fact a niggle that used to accompany even the smallest change. Buy new shoes, like shoes, get shoes home, niggling feeling, like that. Have done therapy and now niggle has shifted to accompany only appropriately niggleworthy events.
So a niggling feeling. Have I made the right decision? Will I be happy living alongside this decision, owning it, looking at it and considering all the options being satisfied with it.
Selfishness wants one thing, reality another. All things considered though I think this decision was the right one for everyone. So I made it, and now I stand on the edge of the cliff, pulling on the bungee cord of the change that rapidly approaches but has taken so long to arrive.
Part of me clings to the old house, my comfort blanket through some tough times, and a reflection of my happiness during the joyous times of the last four years. It was never really mine, but I pretended it was, played home owner and I have loved it. This fragment of me is petulant and childish, stamping her foot at not getting her choice of location. Unwilling to compromise, unable to process a different way of living.
The other, larger chunk, of me is smart enough to see past the imperfections of my choice. In this mindset I can see how wonderful the house is. I see the future in prettier colours, children playing in the garden, laughter in the house, home cooked meals on the table. Happiness coming from within gratitude and love. The comfort of owning and never being forced to make this kind of decision again. I appreciate the work, the love mixed with sweat from the man who is putting his all into making this home somewhere that I can love.