I have a hard time staying positive. I am a worrier. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my life and how fortunate I am, I do, I really do. I just can’t seem to help the worry worm from creepy around in my gut causing unwanted sinking sensations and concerns. When I was little my step Dad used to say “you can’t have your cake and eat it” meaning that I wanted everything, I wanted to attend a friends party but also be at home to watch my favourite show. This comes from a general background feeling that whatever I chose to do isn’t the right choice. That I should always be striving for bigger and better.
I’m currently part time blogger, full time stay at home Mum. Which, on the whole, I love, it satisfies me and I usually feel happy (which is probably as happy as anyone can hope to be). Behind this though are two concerns. Firstly should I be satisfied? Perhaps I aught to be striving for more career wise? Will I look back on this time and wish I’d built something, a career, a business? Secondly will this be as good as it gets? The children will grow and I will not be needed, will that signal the end of the best chunk of my life? I hope not, I hope the next stage brings equal satisfaction in different ways, but still it’s a concern.
Your probably reading this thinking ‘for goodness sake girl, you crazy fool!’ Or something similar. You are right, I am crazy but I do want to change. I want to enjoy the right now, moment by moment and banish the background noise forever. It’s summer now and the children are at home. Each moment is perfect, even the bad ones. We are playing, relaxing, sunning, arguing, laughing and crying. It’s perfect and I love it. Moment by moment life is happening and I don’t want to waste another second on unnecessary overanalysing. I want to become a positive person.
So this is my pledge, right here, now, in the summer of 2014 and soon to be starting my 36th year. I will not tarnish my moments with what might happen, what could of happened and what has happened. Dealing only with bridges that I have to cross I will endeavour to stay present and experience my life fully and with joy.