I have a hard time staying positive. I am a worrier. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my life and how fortunate I am, I do, I really do. I just can’t seem to help the worry worm from creepy around in my gut causing unwanted sinking sensations and concerns. When I was little my step Dad used to say “you can’t have your cake and eat it” meaning that I wanted everything, I wanted to attend a friends party but also be at home to watch my favourite show. This comes from a general background feeling that whatever I chose to do isn’t the right choice. That I should always be striving for bigger and better.
I’m currently part time blogger, full time stay at home Mum. Which, on the whole, I love, it satisfies me and I usually feel happy (which is probably as happy as anyone can hope to be). Behind this though are two concerns. Firstly should I be satisfied? Perhaps I aught to be striving for more career wise? Will I look back on this time and wish I’d built something, a career, a business? Secondly will this be as good as it gets? The children will grow and I will not be needed, will that signal the end of the best chunk of my life? I hope not, I hope the next stage brings equal satisfaction in different ways, but still it’s a concern.
Your probably reading this thinking ‘for goodness sake girl, you crazy fool!’ Or something similar. You are right, I am crazy but I do want to change. I want to enjoy the right now, moment by moment and banish the background noise forever. It’s summer now and the children are at home. Each moment is perfect, even the bad ones. We are playing, relaxing, sunning, arguing, laughing and crying. It’s perfect and I love it. Moment by moment life is happening and I don’t want to waste another second on unnecessary overanalysing. I want to become a positive person.
So this is my pledge, right here, now, in the summer of 2014 and soon to be starting my 36th year. I will not tarnish my moments with what might happen, what could of happened and what has happened. Dealing only with bridges that I have to cross I will endeavour to stay present and experience my life fully and with joy.
I think no matter what stage you are in life you are always thinking is this it, is this enough. If you have some background noise from the past it does make these thoughts so much noisier, I know it does for me.
I am currently writing blog posts in my head (yeah really!) about finding me. My two are 15 and as of tomorrow 13 so Mum to two teenagers! Don’t think the need for a Mum stops there, it really doesn’t but I know I need to carve a bit more direction into my life for me. Just where to start, right!
Enjoy your summer I intend to. I love my blog but it does put a certain amount of pressure on you to keep up and this Summer I am not so worried about that…I think xxx
Thanks Ali, enjoy your summer too.
I couldn’t have written it as eloquently but THIS HERE ^^^^ is EXACTLY where I am at, 100%.
And that there Suspension Bridge, we spent lots of time on it and the surrounding area, about a fortnight ago 🙂
Lovely post. You opening up like this has further clarified that it is exactly how I feel too and have done for a few weeks. No idea what to do about it though.
If you work it out, do let me know 😉
Liska
@NewMumOnline x
Thanks Liska, I think it’s an ongoing personal journey/process kinda thing. So that little by little you find yourself moving forward in a more positive way. For me, discovering my Christian faith is also instrumental in this process.
I love the end. The need of “To be present” “Here and now” And enjoy it! I try and practice every day; Mindfulness. Have I talked with you about that before!?
Glad I read your blog. Hugs/ Ann
No you haven’t but I have heard about it from other people and it sounds like a good practise. Always lovely to hear from you here.
Lovely post and sooo how I feel at the moment!
I’m a full time stay-at-home mum now, having had to give up my career and any work at the moment due to depression!
I keep worrying that I should be pushing myself harder to get back to work, that I realised I was missing out on the here and now as well! I’m now enjoying the summer holidays with my kids and leaving the ‘what-if’s’ and worries of the future alone for now. My new focuses are on becoming the best mum I can be, sorting out the mad-house we all live in and continuing my re-found faith as a Christian. Thanks for helping me see that it’s not just me!
That sounds really positive stuff, well done you.
I have so much trouble just concentrating n the things that need my attention, right now I’m worried one of us will somehow contract ebola. I should be working on issues that I can solve and are relevant right now. It’s like my brain thinks I don’t have enough on my plate.
Don’t worry I think we’ve all had Ebola paranoia, hard not too with all the doom and gloom on the news!