Sometimes life plods along, nothing changes, everything is settled and rhythms are maintained. Then there are the times of growth. When life throws you a cactus or two. Catching them hurts like hell, you certainly wouldn’t ever order this but in the end you learn, you grow and you discover that what happened ended up being a gift. You learned, you grew.
Lately I’ve found myself in a pretty terrible situation. I won’t go into the details, for the sake of all concerned, but I would like to talk about me (yes well this is my blog, and it actually is all about me). Every time I get a little older I fall into the same trap. The ‘oh yes, now that I am (pick a number) I am certainly more mature, and sorted than I ever have been. Certainly I am now all grown up’. Then life changes and I realise that there’s more work to be done.
I’ve been trying so hard to fit a mould. The perfect Mum of three who bakes, sews, socialises and keeps it all together perfectly. Trouble is I’m not the cookie cutter type, I don’t fit the moulds, never have and in all likelihood never will. When life throws big stuff at you, all pre tense disappears and you find yourself faced with, well, yourself. It’s positive that on this occasion I actually liked that reflection. So me being me feels like a much more realistic prospect now.
In the past when I’ve found myself in times of crisis I’ve reverted to type. I lose all semblance of having my life in order, I wobble and struggle. I cry, and I agonise. Desperately trying to put a lid on my emotions I find whatever solution will achieve this, and fast. Not this time though. This time a strange sense of calm, and the ability to go with what was happening, how I was feeling. A real sense that I had no choice but to ride this particular road.
This feeling, it’s like the next step in my ability to cope with emotions. The fear of the big scary feelings shouldn’t be the deciding factor in you deciding on the course of action. I understood this, but to actually experience it is empowering. If I can face the big scary stuff, and take my time figuring out how to deal with it, then that’s a real positive sign for me that I can handle myself better. That I love myself enough to respect my need for space.
So whilst its not been easy being involved in the overwhelmingly intense situation I recently found myself in there is good news. It’s time for me to move forward, once again stronger and more able to cope with whatever is coming next.