this is how it feels to feel small

I was listening to Radio Six earlier today. It’s my new favourite radio station (especially Lauren Laverne’s show at 10am). Washing up and listening to Radio Six, living the dream people.

Anyway, Inspiral Carpets ‘This is How It Feels’ comes on, and I’m singing along and something in the song resonates. That’s the thing with music isn’t it? Sometimes a song seems to have figured out just what you’re feeling before you do. It helps, it’s therapy.

I’m not depressed, I’m overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by life.

I have a lovely family and a comfortable home. I am genuinely happy with most aspects of my life.

I am near constantly anxious. I am sitting, feet dangling over a cliff’s edge, enjoying the sunshine and the view until someone or something pushes me over and I’m free falling. I enjoy the view but I’m always aware that the next fall is just around the corner.

When I was younger I thought life would get easier with age. Surely older people with their mortgages and weekend National Trust visits had got functioning as an adult sussed. The reality for me is that the older I am the more complicated everything seems to get. Now I’m caught in a web of my own neurology trying not to get eaten by the next ‘disaster’.

I’m a Mother and a Wife, I have more responsibilities than ever before. Raising my children is the most important job I will ever undertake and my standard varies depending on the day and how close to the edge of that cliff I sit. I wish I could be more consistent, in general.

Anyway, the song made me feel better. In a ‘life is hard but everyone feels that way sometimes’ way. I was united with everyone who’s ever felt small. Don’t worry, on the whole I’m doing brilliantly but sometimes I find myself feeling a bit small.