It’s the fourth of January, a new year, and my children returned to school today. I have some space to breath, and time to think about the coming year. I’m not going to lie, Christmas was tough. The day itself was lovely, but the weeks surrounding it were full of anxiety, self doubt and tears.
I end the holidays feeling like I’ve failed to end 2016 with the positive forward momentum that filled the rest of the year. My self esteem is dented and I feel ashamed. A pity when I had previously felt so positive and it’s not a good way to start a year.
In other news I’ve had to quit my volunteer work. I had been doing one day a week in my children’s school but unfortunately I’ve had to prioritise my health and commit to more time at home resting.
So today I sit at home trying to make sense of it all. Wondering how to make lemonade out of these lemons? I know my difficulties are small compared to some but I find the constant struggle to function normally challenging. I’m not sure if I’m using my diagnoses to excuse a faulty personality, laziness and an inability to behave like an adult.
Self acceptance is all well and good but what if you feel that you are hurting people (including myself) and causing disruption?
So the choices I have are fairly simple. Continue to berate myself for my failings and sink into depression or pick myself up and try to carry on. I am a Mother and a wife so on behalf of my family I choose option two.
I need to make positive choices, so my aims for this new year are as follows;
Commit to quitting smoking. I have been an off and on smoker for most of my life. Quitting multiple times and always finding myself drawn back to smoking to cope with anxiety. The reality is that it causes health problems, and negatively impacts on my relationships. So after my most recent attempt failed over the holidays I’m back on the wagon.
Make healthy dietary choices. You are what you eat and having chronic fatigue syndrome its even more important that I make good choices in this area. I won’t be #eatingclean because I believe in moderation, but aiming for the five a day, wholegrain carbs and lots of water is my aim.
Continue to practise yoga.
Mindfullness. Trying not to get caught up in constant worry, and allowing myself times to be fully present in my life.
Maintaining a healthy and realistic schedule. I am guilty of regularly over scheduling myself and my family. I am determined that in 2017 I will learn to pace my life better, hopefully improving my mental and physical health.
Find time for romance with Mr Purple. I love my husband, we have achieved a huge amount together and have built a good life for our family. This has been at the cost of time for us, I can’t remember the last time we specifically carved out time for each other. I would like to aim for a date night, once a month and will be taking responsibility for organising this.
So these are my goals. I hope that soon my mood will lift, and I will make further progress on my issues.
I hope you had an easier Christmas, and I’d love to hear your New Year plans. Comments make writing a two way conversation so please leave me one.
Christmas is so difficult. We keep making adjustments to make it more manageable. But I end the season feeling proud. Proud that I survived and that my family were happy. Proud that I made good choices around the pervading commercialism. It is the social side that I find hard. But I am proud that I went to a few social gatherings. And now I am looking forward to settling into a routine. I know that Christmas is incredibly hard for me, so I realise that my achievements are enormous.
Have a good year Ella.
Thanks Liz, glad you ended Christmas feeling proud. Hope 2017 is a good one for you and your family.
Great achievable aims. You did so so well for the vast majority of last year. I am confident you will find a way back. Xmas is overwhelming for most, without adding ill health. I’m sorry you’ve had to give up the volunteering. That must be so frustrating. Don’t berate yourself. Easier said that done. You can do it, you have proved that. 2017 will be your year, the foundations are all there. It might not be immediate but good things will come.